lights, camera. actions.

john 3:18 -  'my little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.'

a blurb i found in my journal circa Nov. '13

'actions. 

actions and truth. the language of love. i have been thinking so much lately of how words mean so little to me. words are so cheap. any words you say and immediately be contradicted by the simplest of actions. i choose to be a soft-spoken individual. i believe that when I have something to say i will say it. but, other than that? actions. what i DO, how i make others feel.. is ultimately how i am defined. i am striving every day to be a better person for my family, for myself, and for my future; so that i can have a great and bright future. the only way to have a great future is to stop talking about how great its going to be and make it that way.' 

a blog post... weird.

with the Christmas season looming around the corner, i was thinking about what i would like as gifts for christmas. i was making mental lists of what I might ask for, what I wanted to give to close friends and family, what I might indulge in for myself, and of course, daydreaming of what it would be if i received EVERY thing that I believed i needed or wanted. a huge realization flooded my thoughts. 

what would it be like to get everything you wanted?

a sickeningly-sweet syrupy feeling coated my insides. like eating too much of a rich dessert, i felt almost nauseated. the mere thought of being that impossibly spoiled left me extremely uneasy. for me, compared only to the feeling of receiving something entirely undeserved.

at first thought, i would assume that one would be elated by such an experience; to get everything you could ever want. what a thought! however, i just found myself feeling completely undeserving and unworthy of such a state. how blessed am i to be where i am? to have the friends i do? to have the knowledge of the Gospel?

i couldn't help but think of these humbled words:

the Lord is my Shepherd; no want shall I know.

I feed in green pastures; safe-folded I rest.

He leadeth my soul where the still waters flow,

Restores me when wand'ring, redeems when oppressed.

i am an incredibly blessed individual. I have an awesome job(s), super supportive family members and friends, a roof over my head, a car to get me where I need to be, and so SO much more. 'no want shall I know'. as unimaginably awesome as it may have seemed to get everything that I 'want' this year for Christmas, I can only remember the sickening feeling that would ensue if that was actually the case, and i will try harder every day to remember what I already have. because my life is kind of awesome.

christmas in august

soooooo. 

today is kind of like Christmas Eve. wanna know why? 

oh, I dunno. 

MAYBE BECAUSE I'M STARTING FREAKING COSMETOLOGY SCHOOL TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

like, FREAK.

I get mostly all of my kit for school tomorrow... new curling irons, flat iron, blow dryer, shears, MAC makeup, school hoodie, waterbottle, and t-shirts... just to name a few. 

not trying to be like super materialistic, but SHEWT. it's literally going to be the best day ever. the REAL start of the newest chapter in my life. I've been talking about a new start for awhile but I feel like this is what is going to make it all feel real. I still haven't found a job yet, but I know that things will work out if I am doing all I can to do what I need to do. butttttttt yeah. kind of lame and short blog post, but you're the one who decided to read this, huh? ;)

time to shine.

Welp. In the past 24 hours, I have slept for about.... three of those hours. NBD. Big, BIG things have happened. Also, lots and lots of emotions, some I’m not sure how to process or how to act on. Let’s see.

One kinda cool thing happened... 

I was accepted into cosmetology school roughly 10 hours ago. I’M GOING TO FREAKING COSMETOLOGY SCHOOL. Like, is this real life? Seriously? I’m not getting punked or anything...? Cause it sure as heck feels like it... but yeah...

ALSO, did I mention that I am moving back to Arizona....? Me? Arizona? Not the best of friends for a loooong while. I guess I got over that, because for some outrageous reason, I have felt this insane loyalty and bizarre love for the state of Arizona. It’s like the love you might have for a really, really ugly puppy, or some ratty old doll that you’ve had you’re whole life. So ugly, you just can’t help but love it. If you would’ve told me two years ago, fresh outta high school, that I would one day be planning on dropping out of BYU-I and moving back to Arizona, I woulda straight up laughed in your pretty little face. Ha, ha, ha, how the tables have turned! I have, not only realized how much I absolutely despise the fact that Walmart closes, and that the nearest Chili’s and Target are 35 minutes away, but have realized that I have different priorities than I did two years ago. Ones that I have made little to no progress on during my time lately in Rexburg. I feel like the opportunities seem infinitely brighter in Arizona... opportunities that will help me accomplish the long term AND short term goals that I have, and just help me shine. 

(Side note: I can’t wait to be near my family. My dearly loved and absolutely crazy sisters, my amazing and perpetually worried mother, my understanding redneck father, and my darling little spoiled rotten baby brother. I think that is one of the most exciting things of all-- to be near the people I love, and who love me. Families are forever, but living a thousand miles away really can shift your life into a completely different perspective.)

Life comes at you fast, especially when it feels like you’re jumping off a twelve story building of this thing called convenience. It would be convenient for me to stay at BYU-I, suck it up, and keep living where and how I do. That is my comfort zone. It would be convenient to keep the same friends, have the same job, have the saaame ole, same ole life. However. I have realized that-- THIS IS THE TIME. Time to shine. Time to jump off that twelve story building into the abyss of whatever and take a leap of faith. Time to get off the couch, start doing what makes ME happy and start doing what I love to do. It’s scary. No one said it wasn’t gonna make you lie awake at night, but no one said it wasn’t going to help you on the pathway to WHO you’re supposed to become. But, this is the time. Time for me, no one else. Time to shine. 

somebody that i used to know - gotye feat. kimbra.

this song i just was introduced to and it applies to so many relationships right now on so many levels.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChxxGgpQe5k&feature=related
(word of caution- the video is very weird. just play it without watching the video if you so desire to listen to the actual song.)

now and then i think of when we were together 
like when you said you felt so happy you could die 
told myself that you were right for me 
but felt so lonely in your company 
but that was love, and it's an ache i still remember

you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness 
like resignation to the end, always the end 
so when we found that we could not make sense 
well you said that we would still be friends 
but I'll admit that i was glad that it was over

but you didn't have to cut me off 
make out like it never happened, and that we were nothing
and i don't even need your love 
but you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
 
you didn't have to stoop so low 
have your friends collect your records, and then change your number 
i guess that i don't need that though 
now you're just somebody that i used to know
now and then i think of all the times you screwed me over 
had me believing it was always something that I'd done 
and i don't wanna live that way, reading into every word you say 
you said that you could let it go 
and i wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know...

but you didn't have to cut me off 
make out like it never happened, and that we were nothing 
and I don't even need your love 
but you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough 


you didn't have to stoop so low 
have your friends collect your records, and then change your number 
i guess that I don't need that though 
now you're just somebody that I used to know
i used to know 
that i used to know


somebody.

Year of BE's.

So, in all honesty, I have no specific reason for posting something on my blog other than the fact that I just feel like I need to. Its been over 3-ish months since I've posted, so I thought that it would be a wholesome Sunday activity. I think that I might post my New Year's Resolutions. Or some of them. Some of them you really don't need to know, and might be painfully obvious, therefore unnecessary to post. SO:

In the year 2012...

(Let me just first preface by stating how glad I am that 2011 is OVER. I'm sorry, but that year freakin' sucked. And yes, I find a lot to complain about regarding the past year, but it honestly sucked hardcore. So, I have made it a point to decide that this year, 2012 is going to be much, much, much better.)

When I wrote down what I wanted to accomplish this year, without noticing, almost everything I came up with started with the word 'BE'. So I guess, not necessarily on purpose, my 'theme' for this year is 'BE'.

-Be honest with myself but not harsh; I can do this.
-Be the best I can be.
-'Be exceptional.'
-'Be where you're supposed to be, when you're supposed to be there.'
-Be a better friend.

This year I am striving to BE. Not cutting out things, not limiting myself, just being the best person I can be. And if that means living in a different way than I currently am, then that's what I have to do.

(I feel it requisite also, to explain the quotes surrounding the third goal... 'be exceptional.' This happens to be from one of my favorite guilty pleasures... Grey's Anatomy. I would explain the context from which this idea derives, but it would probably double, if not triple the length of this post. I just think that it's cool that I pulled something worthwhile from the show. haha.)

Sometimes you just need to take the medicine...

Life... is like a trip to the doctor's office.

One minute you're fine, and the next, you find yourself wishing you weren't in the doctor's office, waiting around all these awkward sick people, waiting for your name to be called, (or should I say, loudly mispronounced) being careful not to sit too close to a random stranger. (I've always been intrigued why people like to have at least one, if not two seats in between themselves and a person they don't know... anyways, that was really random..)

Once you're name is called and you are made thoroughly uncomfortable by the nurses and such, you're led to a room where you get to wait for a small eternity for a doctor to come assess your problem(s). Once the doctor finally decides to show his pretty face, (or sometimes rather alarmingly old face) and tells you what he THINKS is wrong with you, and it's probably not what you want to hear.

You probably didn't want to hear that you need to stop doing this, and start doing that, and to stay away from this, and that you should probably get going on that one thing as well. The alarmingly old-faced doctor will tell you what you need to get better. Not what you WANT to get better.

Life is a lot like that.

The people who know what's wrong with you aren't going to tell you that you're doing all the right things. They're probably going to tell you to shape up, get your act together and just take the medicine.


Also, this probably makes no sense to a lot of you. Sorry 'bout that.



And I'm feeling pretty gangster today. That's all.

Peace out SUCKA!